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A Little Humor...


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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."


The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a

little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."


The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

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  • 1 year later...

cCkds.gif Might be an oldie but still funny, I read it out to the wife and the reply was, mmmmmmm.  :poke: Should I run now? I can't work out that reply. :P
I'm with you SuperTaz, then again when I play it's only on the servers I manage so I just ban them with evidence. :P

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  • 3 weeks later...

More humor:



Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'


She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'


The defense attorney nearly died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.


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  • 4 months later...

Some more funny humor... :)


A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"


The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......



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  • 1 month later...

More humor...



A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.


"What are you doing?" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.


"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.


"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.


"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."


The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.


Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.


"What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she replied.


"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"


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  • 4 months later...
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  • 2 weeks later...

Quite old but they always bring a smile to my face, allegedly these are official letters sent to a council department about various issues:


"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."


"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."


"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."


"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."


"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"


"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."


"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."


"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."


"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."


"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."


"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."


"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."


"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."


"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."


"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."


"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."


"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

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  • 2 years later...
  • 2 months later...

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”


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Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”


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Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. 

The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! 

The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! 

Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.


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