The comedy thread.

[RoadWarrior]

 

 

 

[HSMagnet]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

 

 

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

At that very moment a drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off,

And ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

 

 

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter),

And who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,

 

 

'What the heck is going on here?'

 

 

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'

[Niki*]

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

 

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

 

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

 

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

 

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

 

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

 

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

 

"So, what's your problem?"

 

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

^_^

[HSMagnet]

[surfy]

 

 

[HSMagnet]

Schadenfreude

 

[HSMagnet]

[surfy]

[Pisi-Deff]

http://www.n-europe.com/special.php?sid=gamerpals2&page=12

[surfy]

This was posted on my site, a list of puns for the educated. Be warned they are bad!!

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[wonder]

 

I thought it was funny. :lol:

 

 

LMAO

[Silvaskin]

 

gotta love kids outlook on life.

Edited August 22, 2010 by Silvaskin

[HSMagnet]

http://bit.ly/chTJoH

 

 

 

 

ah see what happens when you blindly pay for thing?

 

soon you are paying to be ass-raped and told you like it.....and you believe it

[AcE]

Some comical anagrams and some shyt ones..

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

Moon Starer

 

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A Rope Ends It

 

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

They See

 

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

He Bugs Gore

 

THE MORSE CODE :

When you rearrange the letters:

Here Come Dots

 

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

Dirty Room

 

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

Cash Lost In Me

 

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

Is No Amity

 

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

Lies-Let's Recount

 

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

Alas-No More Z's

 

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

I'm A Dot In Place

 

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

That Queer Shake

 

CLINT EASTWOOD:

When you rearrange the letters:

Old West Action

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

Twelve Plus One

 

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

Woman Hitler

 

MICROSOFT WINDOWS:

When you rearrange the letters

Sown In Discomfort

 

THE TITANIC DISASTER:

When you rearrange the letters

Death, It Starts In Ice

 

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN:

When you rearrange the letters

Creep Brings Tunes

 

DEBIT CARD:

When you rearrange the letters

Bad Credit

 

BREASTS:

When you rearrange the letters

Bra Sets

 

DAVID LETTERMAN:

When you rearrange the letters

Nerd Amid Late TV

 

LAXATIVE:

When you rearrange the letters

Exit Lava

 

STATUE OF LIBERTY:

When you rearrange the letters

Built To Stay Free

 

EVANGELIST:

When you rearrange the letters

Evil's Agent

 

DANCING WITH THE STARS:

When you rearrange the letters

Winners Had Tight Acts

 

FRITO LAY:

When you rearrange the letters

Oily Fart

 

YEAR TWO THOUSAND:

When you rearrange the letters

A Year To Shut Down

 

CHRISTMAS:

When you rearrange the letters

Trims Cash

 

A GENTLEMAN:

When you rearrange the letters

Elegant Man

 

LISTEN:

When you rearrange the letters

Silent

 

GARBAGE MAN:

When you rearrange the letters

Bag Manager

 

A DOMESTICATED ANIMAL:

When you rearrange the letters

Docile, As A Man Tamed It

 

A SHOPLIFTER:

When you rearrange the letters

Has To Pilfer

 

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE:

When you rearrange the letters

I'll Make A Wise Phrase

 

WAITRESS:

When you rearrange the letters

A Stew, Sir?

 

GUINESS DRAUGHT:

When you rearrange the letters

Naughtiness Drug

 

ACHIEVEMENTS:

When you rearrange the letters

Nice, Save Them

 

WESTERN UNION:

When you rearrange the letters

No Wire Unsent

 

JENNIFER ANNISTON:

When you rearrange the letters

Fine In Torn Jeans

 

PRINCESS DIANA:

When you rearrange the letters

End Is A Car Spin

 

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD:

When you rearrange the letters

Thus, Be A Bad Deviant

 

CONFESSIONAL:

When you rearrange the letters

On Scale Of Sin

 

SPICE GIRLS:

When you rearrange the letters

Pig Slices

 

VEGETARIAN:

When you rearrange the letters

Ate In Grave

 

SHERLOCK HOLMES:

When you rearrange the letters

He'll Mesh Crooks

 

CONVERSATION:

When you rearrange the letters

Voices Rant On

 

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:

When you rearrange the letters

Attaineth Its Cause, Freedom

 

SHOWER TIME:

When you rearrange the letters

Where Moist

 

GEOLOGIST:

When you rearrange the letters

Go Get Oils

 

PRESIDENT BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters

Burnished Pest

 

IPOD LOVER:

When you rearrange the letters

Poor Devil

 

NARCISSCIAM:

When you rearrange the letters

Man's Crisis

 

ACTOR SYLVESTER STALLONE:

When you rearrange the letters

Very Cool Talentless Star

 

A TELESCOPE:

When you rearrange the letters

To See Place

 

AUSTIN POWERS:

When you rearrange the letters

Power Us Satin

 

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters

Alas! No More Z's

 

HOWARD STERN:

When you rearrange the letters

Retard Shown

 

GENE SIMMONS:

When you rearrange the letters

Immense Song

 

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE:

When you rearrange the letters

I

[buttscratcher]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1trQ5NWDmr4&feature=player_embedded#!

[HSMagnet]

Just an FYI: If you removed all of a person's veins and arteries, and laid them end to end, then that person will die.

[HSMagnet]

[HSMagnet]

English50cent http://www.vimeo.com/16885715 In Da Club - TRANSLATED! (Quick, before they take it down!) about 1 hour ago via web

[HSMagnet]

[kraxus187]

Try this for size then....run the names of the ppl involved in making Bad Copy through the MBi....I found 1 of them on there :)

[HSMagnet]

MrsStephenFry

 

Honestly, our postman takes longer every day. If he doesn't hurry up, he'll still be here when Stephen gets home . . .

[buttscratcher]

Friend sent me this. Thought I'd share it here.

Enjoy!

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.

3. Have a plan.

4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.

5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'

7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)

9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

 

 

Navy SEAL Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.

2. Kill every living thing within view.

3. Adjust Speedo.

4. Check hair in mirror.

 

 

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.

2. Locate individuals requiring killing.

3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.

4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

 

 

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.

2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.

3. Curse bitterly.

4. Curse bitterly.

5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs.; it can get you killed.

6. Call in air strike on suspected targets.

7. Curse bitterly.

 

 

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.

3. See what's on HBO.

4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'

5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.

6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.

7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.

8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.

9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

 

 

 

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.

2. Drink Coffee.

3. Deploy Marines

 

Go Navy!

 

 

 

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.)

 

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)

 

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all navalinstallations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

 

To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts Ref: ComMidEast

For Inst 16134//24 K

 

All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

 

1. 'Eat Pork or Die.' [both English and Arabic versions]

2. 'Shrine Busters.' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy.' [both English and Arabic versions]

4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.' [both English and Arabic versions]

5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]

6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [both Arabic and English versions]

7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]

8. 'Infidel.' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

 

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

 

1. 'Islamic Religious Services will be held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'

2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'

 

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

[buttscratcher]

A word of warning. Language gets a little salty. Content is just as bad.

 

[HSMagnet]

[HSMagnet]