The comedy thread.

[EvilJohn]

My wife told me she wanted to go some where expensive tonight. So I took her to a Chevron gas station.

[RoadWarrior]

Texans

 

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems..."

 

"They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom."

 

"There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them."

 

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

 

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

 

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans."

 

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

 

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"

 

The Devil said, "Oh man, I don't believe this...hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returned he said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These damn Texans have put out the fire and now they're installing air conditioning!"

[RoadWarrior]

Might have been a good design at the time, no offence meant, btw. :blink:

 

 

 

[RoadWarrior]

Last one before I crash for the night....

 

As you can see, a good wife is the balance to all things a man can possibly screw up.....

 

 

[AcE]

Did you hear about the Irishman that put a condom on backwards and went.

 

Did you hear about te gay acrobat that fell over, He got up himself.

[Duality]

Grabbed this one the other day :D

 

[xs DeathFairy]

Four pages of jokes on our forums, this section is accessible to guests. There are a bunch of good ones there and a way to kill some time. The link takes you straight to joke page so no need to register or anything.

 

http://www.xxxtremegamers.ca/forum/index.php/board,49.0.html

Edited September 3, 2008 by REDNECK DeathFairy

[AcE]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/971556/

[AcE]

Amazingly simple household remedies

 

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

 

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

 

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS - SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

 

5... A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - 3-in1 OIL AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE 3-in1 OIL . IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

8 . IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

 

DAILY THOUGHTS

 

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

[holback]

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. (that's over 2 pounds).

 

 

 

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 

 

 

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

 

 

 

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .

 

 

 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

[JackDaw]

100%

 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

and

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[Merlintime]

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

 

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

 

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

 

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

 

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

 

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

 

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.

 

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

 

 

 

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

 

Court Costs - $45.00

 

Look on the Cop's Face................PRICELESS

[Lucky_Fr4gg3r]

HOW TO GET A LIFE

 

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones.

 

Difficulty Level: Hard

Time Required: Years

 

Here's How:

 

 

Let go of the mouse.

 

Turn off the computer.

 

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

 

Eat something other than taco chips.

 

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

 

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

 

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

 

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

 

Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

 

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

 

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

 

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

 

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

[Duality]

:lol:

 

Some great additions guys, keep them coming :)

[Lucky_Fr4gg3r]

CREDIT CRUNCH

 

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only

Edited April 22, 2009 by Lucky_Fr4gg3r

[numbnutts]

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

 

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

 

"In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." -Cliff Claven

[Buff]

[Duality]

Lmao Buff, so true :lol:

[numbnutts]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

 

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting

 

The night away, John's grandfather

 

Prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.

Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,

'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted

'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME !!!'

[AcE]

Ulrika Johnson was rushed to hospital at the weekend from the Big Brother house for sitting on a mobile phone.

 

 

 

It's ok though as it's not the 1st time she's had an Erickson up her ass.

:biglol:

 

 

[(FG) game4it]

Saving private Ryan.....

 

 

I found it funny since i play BF2 :)

[blindsided]

Most have probably seen this one already... still pretty funny.

 

Hitler gets banned from Xbox Live

 

 

And another pic I thought was kind of funny:

Edited April 22, 2009 by blindsided

[blindsided]

Oldie but goodie.

 

Some kind of communication gap here, I'm sure the customer said something like:

 

I would like a cake with this on it:

 

"Best Wishes Suzanne"

 

and underneath that

 

"We Will Miss You"

 

Original Link Here

[=BLACKWOLF=]

:lol:

[JackDaw]

A shepherd with his hurd is walking in the fields when a brand new BMW 5 series executive stops on the road nearby. The driver, a man in a versace suit, gucci shoes, ray ban glasses and an Yves Saint Laurent tie, opens the window and asks: "If I can guess exactly how many sheep you got there, can I then have one?"

The shepherd looks at the guy and says: "sure, why not!"

 

The guy in the suit takes out his laptop, using bluetooth and his phone to connect to the internet. Connects to his work, orders the people to take a sharp satelitephoto of the area and have the number of sheep counted back in a few minutes. "You've got 1586 sheep." he says to the shepherd.

 

The shepherd is astonished and says: "wow, you're right, well pick one." The guy gets out of the car and takes an animal and puts it in the trunk. Just before he wants to get back in the car, the shepherd asks him a question: "If I can guess what you do for a living, can I have my sheep back?"

 

The guy looks at him, thinks and says: "Sure, go ahead"

 

"Well," says the shepherd, "it's not that hard, you're a manager. You show up when nobody asked for you. You ask some employee questions that nobody wants to know. You want to be paid for it but I allready know the answer. And for last. You don't know shit about my work, so give me back my dog!"

 

And this video made me laugh very hard.